Fist Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Chuck Norris Facts

    Hot 1 year ago

    1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
    2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
    6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
    7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
    9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
    10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...

    Woman builder

    Hot 1 year ago

    A woman got turned down for a job on a building site so she threatened to take the company to court for sexual discrimination, when they relented they gave her a job with a scaffolder and she was told that she had to learn 3 hand signals so that she knew what the scaffolder wanted.The 1st signal was a clenched fist moving forward and backward to simulate using a saw.The 2nd was a clenched fist moving up + down to simulate using a hammer.And the 3rd was both hands with for finger and thumb touching and movin closer then further apart to simulate a tape measure, The woman thought this was easy and was told to start in the morning, The next morning arrived and she is on the building site, the scaffolder whistles at her from high up on the scaffold and gives her the tape measure signal, she looks up at him and pats her breast, makes a signal like shes fealing a pregnant belly and then cups her private parts, the scaffolders annoyed and does his signal again, she looks at him and repeats more...

    This is from a comedian on A&E's "Evening at the Improv":
    Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some whacko
    aunt or uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with
    laughter. But if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week
    and a half you won't laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that
    it's your fist. Thank God other parts of our bodies are dumber.

    My roommate and I often play a game called "Fantasy Fist Fight." We got the idea from an episode of "Venture Bros." in which two of The Monarch's henchmen argue whether Lizzie Borden could beat up Anne Frank. To play, you choose anyone or anything: living, dead, real, not real, human, inhuman, and pit them against each other in a no-holds barred fight to the finish. Test your fantasy fist fight knowledge below!
    1) Boba Fett Vs. Dog the Bounty Hunter
    2) David Bowie Vs. The Marquis De Sade
    3) Keith Moon Vs. The Loch Ness Monster (Moon gets a broadsword)


    answers:
    1) Boba Fett has a reputation for fighting to the finish, while Dog is older and would probably weaken first. Fett has galactic bounty hunter training while Dog only takes down fat polonesian dudes. Fett wins and Dog is brought to Cloud City in Carbonite.
    2) Bowie holds up well for a while, but is ultimately overtaken by the Marquis' drive to kill Bowie and masturbate into more...

    Fantasy Fist Fight- noun. 1. a fictional battle waged between two or more entities. these entities may be people (living, dead, or fictional), animals, deities, forces of nature, etc. 2. a game often played by adolescent males who are in dire need of female companionship.


    Today's Fights:


    1. Hugh Hefner Vs. Thousands of Bees (Hefner gets a pesticide gun):
    One's every man's dream: rich, cool, and surrounded by beautiful women. The other's a swarm of deadly insects aiming to take him down. Has the founder of Playboy magazine finally met his match? To make things a little more even, we'll give Hef a gun that shoots a pesticide blend. It should take out about 50 bees per shot. But all the viagra and silicone in the world won't stop a tremendous swarm of killer bees (i think...). Fight ends with the bees delivering enough stings to Hefner's body that he is killed almost instantly. In his honor, his family begins the "Hugh Hefner Society to Test Bee more...

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