Earth Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    In line for heaven

    Hot 1 year ago

    "Alright, everyone," St. Peter says, "You men, form two lines - one line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women."
    They do as they are told. Peter looks up and sees that the line of men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long. In the line of men who dominated their women, there was only one man.
    Peter is mad. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. God created you in His image and you were all whipped by your mates. Only one of you has made God proud during your journey on earth. Learn from him!"
    Then, addressing the solitary man, Peter says, "Tell the rest how you managed to be the only one in this line."
    "I'm not sure," the man says. "My wife told me to stand here."

    Building the Ark

    Hot 3 years ago

    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
    And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
    The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
    "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big more...

    Gems of Wisdom

    Hot 5 years ago

    The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
    As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
    "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
    "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
    "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
    "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
    "There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
    "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
    "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
    "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
    The moon is a planet just like the earth, more...

    Heaven, I'm In Heaven...

    Hot 5 years ago

    Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland -
    dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
    her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
    depriving him of all the foods he loved.
    As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
    into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
    St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
    tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, "Your new
    home," St. Peter told them.
    Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this
    going to cost us?"
    "Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
    Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
    "This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily,
    representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
    "What are the green more...

    Signs Of The 2000's

    Hot 4 years ago

    Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away - and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal more...

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