Dive Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping
from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.

The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Dont dive? theres no water in that pool!" "Thats all right," said the man. "I cant swim!"

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. "That is the " replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!" "That's what I'll have!", says the businessman. "I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day". Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the "" to another customer who was there before him. "Damn!" he says to himself. more...

When can you dive in a swimming pool and not get your hair wet?
When your bald!

10. He's jolly enough with out getting scared.
9. Still mourning the mysterious disappearance of his dive buddy, Frosty the Snowman, while diving in the Bahamas.
8. He hates it when his dry suit leaks and his fuzzy red woolies get wet.
7. Rudolph's nose shorts out under water.
6. His sleigh failed Coast Guard inspection.
5. He's nervous because great white sharks have made the "naughty" list for 25 years running.
4. Dry suits not available in "jolly old elf" sizes.
3. That big white beard makes it impossible to get a good seal on his mask.
2. It's hard to get 32 fins on those little reindeer feet.
1. His elf-produced wooden regulator is dangerous at depth.

It is said that a guy wrote the following letter to his sister. He is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....

April, 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the more...