Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh..... thingie If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of' em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! What do more...

A man and a woman who are strangers find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. They both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea! Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The man is thrilled at the idea, so the woman says, "Good...Now go get your own damn blanket!"

20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

------------------------------------------

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,' May I borrow a highlighter?'

2. Say,' Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say,' Damn, this water's cold.'

5. Drop a marble and say,' Oh shit! My glass eye!'

6. Say,' Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say,' Now how did that get there?'

9. Say,' Humus. Reminds me of humus.'

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!'

11. Say,' Interesting... more floaters more...

This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist. The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn. The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna more...

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democraton my front porch and he's playing with himself.""What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on myfront porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him andI'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated."Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?""Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwingsomebody!"

A guy wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts into a sperm bank. He approaches the woman at the desk and screams, "Open the fucking vault!"
"But sir, we don't have any money," she nervously replies. "This is a sperm bank."
"Stop arguing and open the damn safe," he demands, waving the gun in her face. Not wanting to provoke him further, she opens the vault door. "Now, take out one of the bottles and drink it," he shouts.
"But these are sperm samples," she tearfully replies.
"I don't give a damn. Do it!" he demands. So, she removes the cap from the bottle and gulps it down.
He then points to another bottle and tells her to drink that one as well. She takes the bottle out, removes the cap and downs that one too.
After making her do this a couple more times, he whips off his ski mask and she's startled to see that it's her husband. "See honey," he says, "that wasn't so fucking more...