Damn Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Lousy Day

    Hot 1 year ago

    Entering a bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I am so pissed off!"
    "Really?" What happened?" the bartender asked.
    "Well, I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me back to her place.
    We stripped off our clothes, jumped into bed and just as we're about to make love her damn husband came in the front door. So, I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" the man explained.
    "Gee, that really is tough!" replied the bartender.
    "Right, but that's not what really got me angry," continued the man. "When her husband entered the room, he said, 'Great! You're already naked! Let me just take a leak'. Damned if the lazy bugger doesn't go and piss out the window right onto my head!"
    "Yuck! No wonder you're in a lousy mood," said the bartender.
    "Yeah, but I still haven't told you what really, really got to more...

    The President Must Go

    Hot 1 year ago

    Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in
    front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written
    in urine across the snow.
    Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and
    yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
    wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he
    did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
    at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and
    find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!" The
    entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
    Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well
    Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do
    you want first?"
    Clinton says, "Oh more...

    Monsters, Inc. was a cute animated movie that is pretty funny, but definitely for kids. You should go see it if you have kids, are a kid, or like to pretend you're a kid late at night by wearing diapers. It's made by the Pixar people, who did Toy Story and A Bug's Life, and that pretty much tells you what to expect. Same technology, but a couple years later, so it's a little better, a little more lifelike. Movie gets a nice, solid 3 6/7 Babylons. You'll have a good time, but try not to see it in a theater filled with too many kids- they can be annoying. Especially when the one right behind you spends the last fifteen minutes kicking your chair telling its Mommy that it needs to go to the bathroom.

    OK, now let's talk about the Star Wars trailer.

    By now, you have seen it, or heard it, or had it described to you by a cyber-dork named C3PO4EVR on a host of fan sites. You know it's really short. You know there is no dialogue. You know that the only sound you get is more...

    A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos.
    When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
    After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
    The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite.
    The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
    The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city.
    He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune.
    He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
    Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the more...

    A Moving Sermon

    Hot 4 years ago

    One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard," the man said.
    "Thank you, sir, " the Reverend replied, "but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house."
    "Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself," said the man. "That was just such a damn good sermon."
    "Sir, please," replied the Reverend. "As I've said, I would appreciate if you would not use profanity in church."
    "Okay, Reverend," the man said. "I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate."
    "No shit!!!" exclaimed the wide-eyed Reverend.

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