Entering a bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I am so pissed off!"
"Really?" What happened?" the bartender asked.
"Well, I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me back to her place.
We stripped off our clothes, jumped into bed and just as we're about to make love her damn husband came in the front door. So, I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" the man explained.
"Gee, that really is tough!" replied the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me angry," continued the man. "When her husband entered the room, he said, 'Great! You're already naked! Let me just take a leak'. Damned if the lazy bugger doesn't go and piss out the window right onto my head!"
"Yuck! No wonder you're in a lousy mood," said the bartender.
"Yeah, but I still haven't told you what really, really got to more...
Little Leroy was always getting into trouble with his mother. One day his mother was in the kitchen doing the dishes and she looks out and sees that little Leroy has tied up the cat. She says to herself "what is that little shit doing to that damn cat this time?"
Little Leroy leaves the cat lying in the grass next to the driveway and runs into the house and asks his mother for a piece of chalk and some M&M's.
She thinks for a minute and realizes that not even little Leroy can harm the cat with chalk and M&M's. She gives Leroy the chalk and M&M's and he runs outside.
He sets the M&M's next to the cat and takes the chalk and draws a line all the way down the drive way. Mom sees this and says to herself what is that damn boy doing? She is very curious so she stands there and watches.
Little Leroy goes back to where the cat is lying in the grass and picks up the cat and his M&M's.
He then goes over and sits down on the chalk line. He then proceeds to pop the more...
BRAIN - SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to Clarksville."
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait, there's a
woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a more...
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall more...
A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the casinos.
When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won.
After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite.
The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city.
He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune.
He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the more...