Correct Jokes / Recent Jokes
Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving party (wife) have been involved in a long standing dispute, and whereas we're tired of arguing over this stuff all the time, and whereas if you'd just listen to me you'd see that I'm right, Therefore come the parties together in a post-nuptial agreement, which I expect you to sign and then there's no need for further discussion.
Clause One: Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange the furniture in the living room, and whereas the husband's back is still sore from last weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for about half an hour, the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first place, it is now understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct arrangement. There is no need ever to move it again.
Clause Two: It seems like the husband just got the Christmas decorations put up and now you want them taken down! So the wife should make up her mind. If the house looks more...
Submitted by Darcy
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the more...
The Differences:
HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit "cancel"
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check more...
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about more...
CEO
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Dear Mr. CEO:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like more...
Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politcally correct? Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!
A teacher asks her class, " If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied " Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, " The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.