Checker Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are the top three winners from a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest in New Woman Magazine:
No. 1
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.
"To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing!
"I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
No. 2
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, more...

I halve a spelling checker, It came with my pea see. It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the era rite Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it, And I'm shore your pleased too no Its letter prefect in every weigh; My checker tolled me sew.

A competition was recently held to find out the most embarrassing moments in peoples lives. The following are the final four places.
Fourth Place.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of, her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself' right now', she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,' If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'.
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
Third Place.
It was the day before my more...

My `Spelling Checker'
Now I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks I can knot sea
 
I ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two know
It's vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew
 
This checker is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles to read
And aides me when eye rime
 
Each frays come posed up on my screen
I trussed to be a joule
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule
 
Now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare
Their are no faults within my cite
Of none eye am a wear
 
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And me must do the best we can
Sew flaws are knot aloud
 
Sew ewe can see why I do prays
Such soft ware for pea seas
And why I brake in two more...

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"