Chainsaw Jokes / Recent Jokes

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords more...

Q: What is a chord? A: Three violists playing in unison. Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One. Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure. Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola? A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes. Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers. Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet. Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator. Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: A semi-tone. Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so more...

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It`s all in the grip.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner`s neighbors don`t mind if you don`t return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would`ve done it.

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What`s the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn`t!

Q: How more...

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Polak asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", the Polak tells himself.So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, more...

Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.

Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.

Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.

Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A more...

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.
So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut more...