Beginning Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple agreed to have sex on the days beginning with T's in the week.That is Tuesdays and Thursday.So one saturday it rained heavily and the weather was so chilled.The couples were in the mood but they vowed not to have sex except days with T's at the beginning.The man looked at wife and said .hi darling is today THURSADAY? The wife looked at the husband and said yes, even i have been trying to say so .You are such a darling.They hit it right away because thursaday begins with T.The following day the woman also came from work and said to the husband, today is my thursunday.So THUR became the norm.Today is my thursaday means, today i am in the mood for sex.

A man wonders when life truly begins. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that life begins upon the union of egg and sperm."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about life?" After all, anyone in the Catholic clergy would be saying that due to the shrinking of their flock in the past several decades.
The man decides to ask a Unitarian minister and receives different reply: "The beginning of life is not something that can be determined exactly. Even the words "beginning" and "life" are too broadly defined to arrive at a meaningful answer. However we will be having a discussion group about this in three weeks if you would like to attend", the minister said.
Not pleased with the reply, and unwilling to wait for three weeks he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years' more...

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated more...

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."And God populated the earth with broccoli and more...

In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came The Assumptions
and The Assumptions were without Form
And The Plan was completely without Substance.
And The Darkness was upon The Face of The Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a Crock of Shit, and it stinketh."
And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a Pail of Dung and none may abide in the odor thereof."
And The Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them
"It is a Container of Excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And The Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And The Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very strong."
And The Directors went unto The Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It more...

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented. "How many nerve endings will I put in her hands?" asked St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, O Mighty One." "Then we shall do the same for the woman," The Lord replied. "How many nerve endings should we put in her genitals, O Mightiest?" "How many did we put in Adam?" "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One." "Oh yeah, now I remember. We wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we? Do the same for woman." "Yes, O Great Lord." "Wait! Hold it, Pete, give her ten thousand, it'll be a hoot to hear her scream out my name..."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second party (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction more...