Assemble Jokes

MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10: 30 Halley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day’s observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10: 30, Halley’s Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day’s work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal vice-president, at 10: 30 next Thursday, Halley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the company lawn, the executive vice-president will give more...

From: General Manager
To: Departmental Heads
''On Friday evening at 5 p.m., Halley's Comet will be visible in this area—an event which occurs only once every 76 years. Please have the employees assemble in the park area outside the building and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the employees in the canteen and I will show them a film of it.''
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From: Departmental Heads
To: Deputy Departmental Heads
''By order of the General Manager on Friday at 5p.m., Halley's Comet will appear above the area outside the building. If it rains, please assemble the employees and proceed to the canteen, where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years''
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From: Deputy Departmental Heads
To: Superintendent
''By the order of the General Manager, at 5 p.m. on Friday, the more...

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE more...

The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there's so much difficulty in communicating with each other.The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupiedThe Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a passThe Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and more...