Antique Jokes / Recent Jokes
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, ” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it. ”
“You can keep the story, old man, ” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat. ”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He more...
A man was browsing in an antique store when he came upon a statue of a rat. He asked the price and the owner said, "The statue of the rat is $100; the legend behind the statue is another $100."
The man agreed to buy only the statue itself, although the owner warned as he left, "You'll be back for the legend!"
The man tossed the statue into the back seat of his car and started to drive away.
There were several rats in the alley that began to chase the car. As he went through town, many more rats began to chase the car, until literally hundreds of rats were swarming the car.
Frightened, the man sped toward the edge of town to a bridge over the river. He tossed the statue over the bridge and into the water below. All the rats jumped in after the statue and drowned.
The man, now visibly shaken, returned to the antique store.
The owner, seeing him approach, said, "Now, do you want the legend behind the statue of the more...
The following were actually published,
-Include your children when baking cookies!
-Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
-Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
-British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
-Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
-Dinner Special -
Turkey $2.35;
Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.
-For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
-For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
-Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
-Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
-Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
-Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick more...
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains.
"I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler," said the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size".
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad."
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude, the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...
The following appeared recently in the Anderson SC Independent Mail classifieds:
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great more...