Almost Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!... Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you... have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married... but not to more...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: more...

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on more...

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to more...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... -- What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!... -- Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you.... -- have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... -- After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... -- I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... -- that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me... -- Like the need for therapy." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... -- I never knew what evil was before this!" "Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. -- You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married... -- but not to more...