"Some More Answering Machine Joke" joke

* You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
long answering machine message when you call me...
*(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but
I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh
a lot.
* You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in
"as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure
it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did
not work.
* (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
* Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless
you, my child, and have a nice day.
* Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and
number, I'll be right with you.
* Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message
and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
* Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me,
you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to
call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I
don't guarantee that one of them will call you back - only that I won't.
* You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.
* As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You
begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an
answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the
answering machine... You hear a beep...
* I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a
message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take
one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have
to deal with me in person.
* I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing.