"I'm so ugly" joke

I'm so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive more...

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again."
Soldier: "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Your Mamma's so fat, when she went bungee jumping, she broke the bridge!

A man's wife is his better half, but his mistress is his better hole.

Don't knock on Death's door.
Instead, ring the bell and run. Death hates that...

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