Unix Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    (Outdated, but still fun.)
    DOS Beer
    Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
    directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
    can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
    compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
    discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
    no longer available.
    Mac Beer
    At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
    by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one
    from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you
    call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A
    notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
    Windows 3.1 Beer
    The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a more...

    All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
    Now my database has gone away.
    Oh I believe in yesterday.
    There's not half the files there used to be,
    And there's a milestone hanging over me
    The system crashed so suddenly.
    I pushed something wrong
    What it was I could not say.
    Now all my data's gone
    and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
    The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
    I knew my data was all here to stay,
    Now I believe in yesterday.
    Eleanor Rigby
    Eleanor Rigby
    Sits at the keyboard
    And waits for a line on the screen
    Lives in a dream
    Waits for a signal
    Finding some code
    That will make the machine do some more.
    What is it for?
    All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
    All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
    Guru MacKenzie
    Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
    Isn't it fun?
    Look at him more...

    Part 4 - (Opearting Systems)
    What kind of operating system is used by a Real Programmer? CP/M? God forbid - CP/M after all, is basically
    a toy operating system. Even little old ladies and grade school students can understand and use CP/M.
    Unix is a lot more complicated of course - the typical Unix hacker never can remember what the PRINT
    command is called this week - but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't
    do Serious Work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games
    and research papers.
    No, your Real Programmer uses OS/370. A good programmer can find and understand the description of
    IJK305I error (s)he just got in h(er)is JCL manual. A great programmer can write JCL without referring to
    the manual at all. A truly outstanding programmer can find bugs burried in a 6 megabyte core dump without
    using a hex calculator. (I have more...

    Part 9 - (The Future of Real Programmers) - the final part
    What of future? It is a matter of some concern to Real Programmers that the latest generation of
    computer programmers are not being brought up with the same outlook on life as their elders. Many of
    them have never seen a computer with a front panel. Hardly anyone graduating from school these days
    can do hex arithmetic without a calculator. College graduates these days are soft - protected from the
    realities of programming by source level debuggers, text editors that count parentheses, and "user friendly"
    opearing systems. Worst of all, some of these alleged "computer scientists" manage to get degrees without
    ever learning FORTRAN! Are we destined to become an industry of Unix hackers and PASCAL
    From my experience, I can only report that the furure is bright for Real Programmers everywhere. more...

    Can you help me? asked Alice.No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it more...

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