Time Jokes / Recent Jokes
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BILL CLINTON'S FRIEND??
The following is a list of dead people connected to Bill Clinton. Please
note the following breakdown of causes, and then think about the statistical possibility of their being random occurrences (especially the plane crashes):
1. James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an
apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key
witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
2. Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
3. Vince Foster - Former White House counselor, and colleague of Hillary
Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
head, ruled a suicide.
4. Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former Democratic National
Committee Chairman. Reported to have died more...
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind more...
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Once upon a time, there once was a traveling salesman who's wife was a well known sex addict. But because the man could not be home all of the time, he often worried about his wife's faithfulness. He had noticed that she had been eyeing the young neighbor boy who cut their lawn recently. So one day the man decided to try to do something about this. After work the man entered a sexual aid shop and asked the owner to show him the selection of dildos.
"Why yes, of course." said the owner, "We have a very wide selection."
But after looking for quite a long time, the man just did not find anything that satisfied him.
"Well, maybe I have just what you need." remarked the owner, "Wait here."
And with that, the owner ran into the back and started digging around for quite some time. After about twenty minutes, the owner finally came out carrying a strange, rectangular box with ancient writing all over it. He set the box down on the more...
A guy who was tired with life in the big city decided to take a vacation and go to the mountain, so he rented a chalet in the wilderness.
One day, as he was strolling, he got to the edge of a precipice. He carefully looked down and backed quickly, amazed: "gee, is this deep!". He took a pebble and threw it in, to see how long it takes until it gets down. It took a while, so he thought "that's really deep"; then he found a big stone and tossed it, and when it hit the ground with an almost inaudible sound he reckoned "this is what I call deep". Having nothing else to do, he started to look around a found a large piece of rail. He strained a while, as it was pretty heavy, rusted and muddy, but he managed to push it over the cliff, and after some time, when he heard it hitting the ground with abig blast, he reasoned: "now that's something!".
He had just seated himself to rest and start meditating at the abyssal dimensions, when he saw a more...
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Lance Ito, PresidingWile E. Coyote, Plaintiff-vs. - Acme Company, DefendantOpening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, more...
(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21A.(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid more...