Swear Jokes / Recent Jokes

CLERK: Please repeat after me; "I swear by Almighty God,"
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give,"
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it."
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give,"
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give,"
CLERK: "Shall be the truth, and,"
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing."
WITNESS: Okay.
(Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you more...

A man decided to go for a hike in the mountains, but when he got to the beginning of the trail, he was confronted by an old Indian who told him, "There are birds up in the mountains called Foo's and they love flying right into people, and it hurts like hell. But if any of them hits you, do not, i repeat, DO NOT swear, because if you do, a whole flock will come and attack you."

So the man continued his hike, and all of a sudden, he was hit in the forehead by a Foo, and he said, "OOOWWWW! Geez, that hurt!" But he remembered what the Indian said, and he didn't swear.

A few minutes later, he was hit by another Foo in the exact same spot, but he still didn't swear.

He continued his hike once again, and he was hit by a gigantic Foo. This time he swore, "AWW SHIT, DAMNIT THAT FU*KIN HURTS!" and suddenly, a whole flock of Foo's flew to him and starting hitting him and scratching him and pecking him. Soon, he was more...

Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video more...

A Girl went up to her mother and asked,
"Mum, is Amsterdam a swear word?"
"No, why?" She asked.
"Is Rotterdam a swear word?" she asked.
"No, why?" her mother repeated.
"Well, I heard little sister talking behind my back after I showed her my lollipop, and she said 'I hope that that lollipop rot her damn teeth!'"

BECOME A BETTER LIAR
IT'S EASY!
Just follow these 12 steps.
First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.
Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... gOD!!!)
Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.
Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.
Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter.
Never stutter!
Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.
Don't take chances on lies that can be easily more...