Swear Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

    "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"

    "I don't know" he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*cking arse it won't be Coco Pops."

    Amsterdam

    Hot 2 years ago

    A Girl went up to her mother and asked,
    "Mum, is Amsterdam a swear word?"
    "No, why?" She asked.
    "Is Rotterdam a swear word?" she asked.
    "No, why?" her mother repeated.
    "Well, I heard little sister talking behind my back after I showed her my lollipop, and she said 'I hope that that lollipop rot her damn teeth!'"

    BECOME A BETTER LIAR
    IT'S EASY!
    Just follow these 12 steps.
    First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
    Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.
    Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
    Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... gOD!!!)
    Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.
    Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.
    Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter.
    Never stutter!
    Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.
    Don't take chances on lies that can be easily more...

    Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"
    As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
    The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
    They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
    The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
    He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
    Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
    The 4-year-old replies, more...

    Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can more...

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