Swear Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Amsterdam

    Hot 11 months ago

    A Girl went up to her mother and asked,
    "Mum, is Amsterdam a swear word?"
    "No, why?" She asked.
    "Is Rotterdam a swear word?" she asked.
    "No, why?" her mother repeated.
    "Well, I heard little sister talking behind my back after I showed her my lollipop, and she said 'I hope that that lollipop rot her damn teeth!'"

    BECOME A BETTER LIAR
    IT'S EASY!
    Just follow these 12 steps.
    First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.
    Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.
    Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.
    Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... gOD!!!)
    Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.
    Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.
    Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter.
    Never stutter!
    Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.
    Don't take chances on lies that can be easily more...

    Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"
    As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
    The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
    They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"
    The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"
    He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
    Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"
    The 4-year-old replies, more...

    Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?"The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?"The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But you can more...

    Women:
    Car Parking:
    The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
    Incorrect Driving:
    The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
    Video more...

  • Recent Activity