Shocked Jokes / Recent Jokes

WHAT did you learn in school today?" mother asked her young son.
"I learned how to add," replied the child. "Two plus two the son of bitch is four.. Three plus three the son of bitch is six. .."
The shocked mother went to school the next day and confronted the teacher who, on hearing her complaint, was equally shocked. So the child was called in to repeat what he had learnt. Hearing him, the teacher burst out laughing and said "What I actually taught the children was two plus two, the sum of which is four; three plus three, the sum of which is six!"

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM.
After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this more...

One day a bear was feeling lonely and wanted some company... he went out that night on the town, whilst he was out he met a lady of the night (prostitute)... so she said " so why dont we go back to my house?" the bear said "ok". The bear and the Lady went back to the ladys house, when they got there the bear started eating everything in the fridge, the lady looked shocked, then they went to bed and had sex. Once they had finished the lady said "well we had better discuss payment then", the bear looked shocked, so the lady said "well, thats what you do to us ladies of the night use us and then pay us, so look it up in the dictionary if you would like" after that the bear said, "well look up bear in the dictionary, the lady looked up bear, the description was - Eats shoots and leaves

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of thewindshields.British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, andbegged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.NASA responded with a one-line memo: more...

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that more...

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, "WOW! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish - a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish."So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and MotherSuperior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sistercaught."Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." more...

At training program for top management.

A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd`s attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn`t my wife! "

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

Naturally, his wife was shell shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can`t remember who she was! "

As expected, more...