Probability Jokes / Recent Jokes

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn`t a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel... order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.

The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my more...

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your
nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy
signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in
will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone
rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone more...

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.

Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is. 4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is. 2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is. 08. So it takes about 12. 5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.

A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my knowledge, more...

The probability that the piece of toast will land jelly side down is in direct proportion to the value of the carpet.