Police Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three girls that commited a crime, so they were going to get executed. There was a red head, brunette, and a blonde. The brunette was up first. The police officer said, " Ready, Set... "
" Tornado! Tornado! " yelled the girl. Everyone looked around, but to their surprise, there was no tornado, so the brunette escaped. Next was the red head. After seeing what the brunette had done, she did the same. " Ready, Set... "
" Hurricane! Hurricane! " yelled the red head. But there was no hurricane, so she too escaped. Finally was the blonde. " Ready, Set... " said the police officer." Fire! Fire! "

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over."No," the man replied."You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained."But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.""What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?""Today and tomorrow."He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know.""Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant."It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

A driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?
Officer: Sir, you were speeding.
Man: Oh I see.
Officer: Can I see your licence please?
Man: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.
Man: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Man: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Officer: You what?
Man: She's in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?
Officer2: One of my officers told me that you more...

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl cam up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird" the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" after a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job - if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over Rs 50,00,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.
The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags Santa to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to Santa, "Ask him where is the money."
Santa signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Santa tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're more...