Philips Jokes

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know."
** Franck Dubosc
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
** Francois Morency
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
** Tim Steeves
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
** Jimmy Shubert
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
**Emo Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
** Lenny Clarke
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
** Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
** Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for more...

Robert walked into Dr. Philips' office and put a note on the desk in front of the doctor. The doctor picked up the note and read it, "Please help me, I can't talk."
Thinking for a few moments, the doctor turned to Robert and told him to put his penis on the table. Knowing that Dr. Philips was a specialist, Robert did as instructed.
The doctor then took a rubber mallet and struck Robert's penis with it as hard as he could. Robert yelled out in agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
"Excellent Robert," Dr. Philips said, "now you come back tomorrow and we'll learn B."