Object Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind more...

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!" "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! " The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. more...

Santa goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask." Santa then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." Santa says, "I ll take it!"
The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?"
He said, "It s a thermos flask."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"Santa replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"
So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:
1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are more...

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O`Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object."
Paul replied. "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher I the school."
"Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O`Neill, "but what is the object?"
"To get the best mark possible," said Paul

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when he suddenly sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He's wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose!? You don't have any transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" replies the genie.
The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis more...