Nelson Jokes / Recent Jokes

Have you ever noticed girls who sit their handbags on public toilet floors - then go directly to their dining tables and set it on the table? Happens a lot! It's not always the' restaurant food' that causes stomach distress. Sometimes "what you don't know' will' hurt you"! Read on... Mum got so upset when guests came in the door and plopped their handbags down on the counter where she was cooking or setting up food. She always said that handbags are really dirty, because of where they have been. Smart Mum!!! It's something just about every woman carries with them. While we may know what's inside our handbags, do you have any idea what's on the outside?
Shauna Lake put handbags to the test - for bacteria - with surprising results. You may think twice about where you put your handbag. Women carry handbags everywhere; from the office to public toilets to the floor of the car. Most women won't be caught without their handbags, but did you ever stop to think about where your more...

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, and behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.
"You sign, you sign," yells the Chinese.
Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has got the wrong bloke.
Next day Nelson is watching a film when there is a knock on his door. It's the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.
"You Sign, You Sign," screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson's nose.
"Look you Twat," snarls Nelson "You've got the wrong bloke. I don't want brake parts, you've got the wrong bloke again."
Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading a magazine, when there is a knock on the door. It's the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts.
The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson, "You sign, you more...

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children "I have something long and yellow behind my back." The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said "no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination. Next she said" I have something round and red". Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, "I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principal's office for being soo dirty minded. Little Johnny then said," No, Ms. Nelson, it's a quarter, but I LIKE YOU'RE IMAGINATION!!!

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck
full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson more...

Country singer Willie Nelson was issued a misdemeanor citation after marijuana was found in his tour bus on Monday.

In other shocking news, ice cream was found in Roseanne Barr's fridge, candy was found in John Mark Karr's van, and tearing was found in Harvey Fierstein's butt.

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a "Lord Nelson."

The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the two men might react violently to one another, but they were introduced and then left alone and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.

The next morning, the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."

"That's wonderful," said the doctor. "Who are you?"

Smiling coyly, the patient replied, more...

What has a hundred and seventy-five legs and five teeth?

The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.