Mud Jokes / Recent Jokes

I will not bathe my dog after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
I will not push my dog away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
I will not confuse my dog by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
I will not ask my dog to play fetch with a boomerang.
I will not drag my dog away from the interesting sniffing spots.
I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my dog out as soon as he asks me to.
I will not tell my dog to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
I will not stare while my dog is doing his business.
I will not feed the cat before I feed my dog.
I will get rid of that cat.
I will not bring home any more cats.
I will never eat until my dog has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
I will share everything I eat with my dog.
I will set up the kiddie pool every more...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said,' No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said,' grab for my' thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I washed mud, off of mud.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". more...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said,' I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said,' Grab for my' thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig is at home in the mud

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every more...