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    Condoms Of The Zodiac

    Hot 5 years ago

    SCORPIO
    Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
    Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
    SAGITTARIAN
    Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.
    Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a more...

    Avoid models that stall during use.
    Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
    Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
    Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
    Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
    Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
    Check for pulling attachments.
    Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
    If necessary, fit an alarm.
    See if the coil needs replacing.
    Take it for a good thrash around
    Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
    Watch out for nasty emissions.
    Keep all leather accessories in order.
    If necessary, fit a silencer.
    Or use the choke and throttle properly.
    For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
    Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
    Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
    NEVER let your friends have a go.
    Never make the mistake of more...

    How careers end... Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark.

    I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: "All models in stock now!"
    So I paused next to the display and said, "Do you know what these are?"
    "What?" she asked.
    I said, "Stool samples."

    Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his client's case for an injunction said, "The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I don't know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?"
    "Do I need to be?"
    replied the judge.
    "I don't think so," said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word 'topless' in discussing glamour modelling.
    "It means precisely the opposite," he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is "remarkable - as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean".
    "If you cut the top off, it wouldn't be very interesting - what's more they would be dead. It's clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids," he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996

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