Mildred Jokes / Recent Jokes

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and decided to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and chance becoming a vegetable, and therefore a burden on her family, she called her doctor's office to inquire where her heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.""I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie."Marge", whispered Mildred."What", said Marge."I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred."What makes you think that", asked Marge."He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred."Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them more...

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before
they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation Harold turns to Mildred and asks,
"Do you know
what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get
it up if I held a
gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and
proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in
the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred more...