Israeli Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    UN Meeting

    Hot 2 years ago

    At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you.... ..When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and more...

    During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens. Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune. But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his more...

    During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped extremely close to one another on the first night of the war. One Israeli yelled out: "Hey Abdul, are you there?" On the Arab side, Abdul stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Abdul. The second night, another Israeli yelled out, "Hey Mohammed, are you there?" On the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Mohammed. On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled "Hey Moshe, are you there?" The Israelis yelled back, "No, Moshe isn't here but is that you, Achmed?" Achmed stood up and said "Yeah?" and the Israelis took out the machine guns and mowed down Achmed.

    An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
    The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked
    "How did you do it?"
    "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

    Pardon me?

    Hot 3 years ago

    A Russian, a Pole, an American, and an Israeli are interviewed.
    The interviewer asks each, in turn, "Excuse me, what is your opinion on the current meat shortage?"
    The Russian replies, "What's an 'opinion'?"
    The Pole replies, "What's 'meat'?"
    The American replies, "What's a 'shortage'?"
    And the Israeli replies, "What's 'excuse me'?"

  • Recent Activity