Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, more...
An elderly man went to church and asked the priest if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, so the two entered their respective sides of the confessional.
"Father," the old man began, "at the beginning of World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked if I would hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," the priest interjected, "but it certainly isn't something you need to confess!"
"Oh, it gets worse, Father," the old man continued. "I was very weak and told her that she must repay me for hiding her by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a few moments and then responded, "It was a very difficult time and you took a very big risk. You would have suffered terribly at the hands of the enemy had they found out you were hiding her. I am certain that God, in his more...
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" - even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
I Know the Whole Truth "At school, a boy was more...
How much weight do we lose during sex?
Diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.
Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.
1 hr. intensive foreplay burns off: 1 slice (large) chocolate cake.
25 min. nonstop lovemaking burns off: 2 slices of pizza with cheese & mushrooms.
53 min. of kissing partner burns off: 1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.
53 minutes kissing yourself burns off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.
PREPARING THE BEDROOM Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)
ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS Hiding the sex manual: 3; Decanting the wine: 4; Without a corkscrew: 268
MAKING THE FIRST MOVE If you are shy: more...