Hereafter Jokes

From the law offices of Harrison, Sale & Varner
To all whom this may come to concern, know ye that it is understood that
on the _______ day of _________ 1998, Scott Duvall (hereafter known as the first party) and Tracy Miller (hereafter known as the second party) are entering the contract of wedlock.
The following is a detailed agreement regarding all properties and how they shall be divided in the event of a divorce.
His Hers The dog Everything else. Season tickets The weedeater First Party: Signature_______________ Date___________ Second Party: Signature_______________ Date___________ Notary Public: Signature_______________ Date___________

Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen, I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”

Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO-3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C-12H-22O-11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C-12H-22O-11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
Procedures:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (hereafter referred to as "reactor #1") with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel (hereafter referred to as reactor # 2) with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the said mixture is homogeneous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture more...