A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, 'Can't you see I'm winning?'
"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week - all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." -Stephen Colbert
"Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." -Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." -Jimmy Kimmel
(My friend Brad in NYC told me this one yesterday.)
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm,
and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most
extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby
apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree
directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to
another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again
with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great
astonishment. Finally he could not resist saying to the farmer,
"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can
imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you
simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them
from the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he got an idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs. Once in a circus he'd even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one.
So Reggie announced to the world that he'd pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars.
People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but no one could make the elephant rise up in the air.
Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed Reggie: "Is it true that you'll pay ten thousand dollars if I make your elephant get off all four legs?"
"Yes," Reggie said, "but you've got to pay one hundred dollars to try."
The little man handed Reggie a hundred-dollar bill. Then he went back to he car and took out a more...
The Hazards of Kicking the Cat There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"