Defective Jokes / Recent Jokes

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink more...

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away' cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!!"

Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away' cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10, 000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10, 000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it more...

Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign: 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for more...

I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens. The following is a list of constant problems:- A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process- Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance- When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)- Software controlling the "computer" is defective.. wild random responses to input stimuli (i. e. "Have you checked the oil..?" ) - Motor controls are sluggish (i. e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)- Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off - Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised- Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any policy- Model not eligible for trade in or more...