Conductor Jokes / Recent Jokes
For Theresa Muir who requested Canadian / Newfie humour:
Back in the days when trains ran in Newfoundland, a passenger was travelling from Corner Brook to St. John'n when, all of a sudden, there was a tremendous thump and bang followed by a really rough ride for a few seconds. This was followed by another thump, bang and the ride became smooth again.
Just then, the conductor was passing through the car, so the passenger asked, "What happened back there?"
The conductor replied, "Oh, we just ran over a mainlander."
The passenger asked, "What, was he lying on the track?"
The conductor replied, "Oh no, he was out in the field but we got him!"
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
I'm not sure I'm using this right, but if I am, here's a whole bunch
of viola jokes.
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both ** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The more...
INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees more...
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria," and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They are the 'Moron Tapanapple Choir'."
On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted "conductor's coming!", and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying "Tickets, please". The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.
On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers' trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts "Conductor's coming". All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying "Tickets, please". The lawyers then slip their only ticket under more...
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to more...