Bessie Jokes

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    Farmer Joe and his Mule

    Hot 8 months ago

    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
    ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the-"
    ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
    ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road-''
    ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer more...

    Winston Churchill (whose mother was American) was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II.
    These are some insults he was involved in -
    Lady Astor – "Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee."
    Winston Churchill – "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!"
    Bessie Braddock – "Winston, you're drunk!"
    Winston – "Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning, I shall be sober!"
    Bernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to a first night, with a note saying – "Bring a friend – if you have one."
    Churchill replied, saying that he could not attend the first night as he was busy, and asked for tickets for the second night – "If you have one."

    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
    An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

    A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.
    I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
    Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you %$&#@ idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "assh*le" at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and drive up next to her.
    "Do you have a problem?" I ask.
    "Yeah, why are you driving like an more...

    A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
    I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.
    She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
    "Do you have a problem?" I ask.
    "Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
    "I was driving like more...

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