Arrest Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    New Office Lingo

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    Blame storming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
    Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid sentence.
    Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles.
    Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to one's own name.
    Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
    Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
    Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
    Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake.
    SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
    Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being more...

    The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.February 10, 1993Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne's arrest record.

    A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
    "My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!".
    Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!".
    Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
    The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."
    The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for more...

    For years now the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD have all been argueing about their incredible arrest records and solved cases. Each claiming to be better than the others. Finally, the president hears about this nonsense argument and takes the top officers of each branch out to the woods. There, the president releases a rabbit. He tells the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD that that is their suspect, and the first to arrest it is the victor.
    So the FBI goes out into the forest and plants a bunch of animal informants all over the woods trying to locate this rabbit. After weeks of investigations and tips from forest critters, the FBI can't turn up anything on this alleged rabbit.
    With that the CIA goes out into the forest to look for the rabbit. Unable to locate the suspect the CIA claims that there never was a rabbit in the first place and burns down the forest to cover it up.
    Finaly, the LAPD goes off into the smoldering woods and comes out less than five minutes later with a badly more...

    I wrote these for our campus humor paper before Christmas break. Some are
    UCSD specific, like our new rule banning "fighting words." Some were written
    before Romania revolted. And some might be offensive. Bearing that in
    mind...
    The first arrest under the new "fighting words" policy was made. A
    reggae group performing in the Price Center was arrested after singing a song
    calling for the end to apartheid in South Africa and whipping up student
    fervor. A spokesperson for the police said that the Regents could not tolerate
    anyone claiming the world wasn't as kind and gentle as President Bush had
    officially declared it was.
    The federal government completed the phasing out of lobbying in Congress,
    calling it a serious breach of democracy and not in the best interests of the
    nation. It will be replaced by a series of public auctions where both
    senators' and representatives' votes will be sold to the highest more...

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