Alec Baldwin Jokes

June 18 - June 24

"I didn't have time to giftwrap it. It just came out of the dog's ass."

- Alec Baldwin's daughter Ireland, giving him his Father's Day present.

Stylist and costume designer Patricia Field abruptly quit the New York production of The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing on Friday.

The cause? The supposed bad behavior of star Alec Baldwin.

"He was a monster... an absolute monster," groused Field, whose previous credits include overseeing the fashions worn by Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall on Sex and the City.

"That big ape refused to wear anything I showed him. Like this, for instance. This is a couture tube dress made of Hefty Lawn and Leaf bags, embellished with thousands of doll eyes that I glued on personally. He took one look at it and left the room. I have people begging me for the chance to wear this garment!"

According to Field, 97, other "completely fabulous" items that Baldwin allegedly balked at donning were "Lucite platforms with little real fish swimming inside them," "a fierce tufted headband made out of python skin and more...

April 23 - April 29

"Oh and one more thing, you were an anal baby."

- Alec Baldwin, in a follow up voicemail to daughter Ireland.

In light of the vicious custody battle over their daughter Ireland, a judge has ordered Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to begin using separate names for her.

Mr. Baldwin will call her "Sinn Fein," and Ms. Basinger will refer to her simply as "The Ulster Unionist".

Kim Basinger denies she leaked a voicemail in which her ex-husband, Alec Baldwin, calls their 11-year-old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig."

She also denied making the movies "Nadine," "Blind Date" and "My Stepmother Is an Alien."