Whoa Jokes / Recent Jokes

knock knock
whos there?
I DID IT!
(Everyone yells GREAT FOR YOU!)
(guy's best friend says:)
WHOA WHOA WHOA! I WANNA HEAR THE REST!
I DID IT WHO?
UMMMMMMM...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, A lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard more...

' Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and more...

Twas the night before Christmas, and God was it neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mama in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor Mama went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and 8 mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa more...

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.
The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."
The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him. "no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."
The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the more...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced:
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may more...