Various Jokes / Recent Jokes

Just heard on the radio, purportedly factual:
A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss
it with his priest.
The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss
it with his doctor.
The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering
that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.
His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.

The Island of Copper Sand is a great country. It once had a government so loved by
people, that it governed the country for 17 years until the society became a
Dharmista Samajaya (a just society).
The Minister for Land, Land Development and Great-Sand was a very honest person
named "Village-Leader District-Leader". These Copper-Sandinians used to have
very peculiar names such as "Vitory-Improver", "Love-Slave", "Treasury-Leader",
"Inner-Muddlier" etc. etc.
Once a minister from an African country paid an official visit to Cooper Sand. This
minister, being the minister for Construction and Land Development in his country
was very much interested in visiting the Great-Sand Project that consisted of
several vast dams in various places of the island. The funds for those gigantic
projects were provided by the Bank de Globe.
So, obviously the Copper Sand counterpart, more...

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations. At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China." Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)" On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk." Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA "Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!" Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: "Run like Anything!" Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) "Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends." Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: "Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards... But you just did :)"

SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions
----------------------------------

Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of more...

Unlike Humorless bureaucracies, real people can have fun with:
Real Signs Found In Various Places...


Sign in a maternity clothes store:
' We are open on labor day.'

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
' Push Push Push.'

Sign in a non-smoking area:
' If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

Sign on a front door:
' Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

Sign on fence:
' Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

Sign on an electrician's truck:
' Let Us Remove Your Shorts.'

Sign in a realtor's office:
' Lots for little.'

Sign in a shoe store:
' Come in and have a fit.'

Sign in an optometrist's office:
' If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

Sign on a scientist's door:
' Gone fission.'

Sign in a taxidermist's more...

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a restaurant in New York: "Tip-ing is not a city in China."
Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store: "Snickers, 5 for 1. 00$.(limit 4)"

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska: "Safety ladder, climb at own risk."

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA "Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!"

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building: "Run like Anything!"

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee) "Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends."

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: "Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4.

Eye Care
Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: "Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did: )"

PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay more...