Practice Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks into a bar, slams his hand down on the counter and says, "Give me a lady."
The bartender asks, "Do you have experience?"
The man says, " Well, no." So the bartender takes him out back and says, "Practice on this tree for a year and come back to me then."
A year later the man comes back, slams his hand on the counter and says, "Give me a lady. I have experience."
The bartender says, "Alright," and gets him a lady and sends them into the bathroom because all his rooms were full. After about three minutes the bartender hears an awful scream and goes running to the bathroom. The man is shoving a toilet plunger up the girls ass and says, "ME CHECKING FOR BEES!"
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.
The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.
"It's just simple common sense, and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."
"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man.
The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my more...
Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn't know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin' to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching more...
by Robert Chen
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some."
22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.
23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.
24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.
25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my gosh! It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.
26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up.
Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
For women - Helpful info.
For men - For the woman in your life.
PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise No. 1:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
Exercise No. 2:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position more...
Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle - there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I more...