Opener Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. How do you catch a polar bear?
A. You need an ice saw, a can of peas, and a can opener.
To trap the bear, first cut a hole in the ice with the saw. Then open the can of peas with the can opener. Then spread the peas all around the hole. Now when the bear comes over to take a pea, you shoot him in the ice hole!

I could have sworn I heard the can opener. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? Why doesn't the government do something about dogs? I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives? Hmmm. .. If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us? This looks like a good spot for a nap. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? If there's a God, how can He allow neutering? If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

Ten Things A Cat Thinks About

I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

Hmmm. .. If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

This looks like a good spot for a nap.

Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.



Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

I could have sworn I heard the can opener. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths? Why doesn't the government do something about dogs? I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives? Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us? This looks like a good spot for a nap. Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place? If there's a God, how can He allow neutering? If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.
"I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.
He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, more...

DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Windows 3. 1 Beer -- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to more...

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "All right, Steve, gimme the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. "I thought you packed it."

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe and Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off more...