Israelis Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped extremely close to one another on the first night of the war. One Israeli yelled out: "Hey Abdul, are you there?" On the Arab side, Abdul stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Abdul. The second night, another Israeli yelled out, "Hey Mohammed, are you there?" On the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said "Yeah?" The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Mohammed. On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled "Hey Moshe, are you there?" The Israelis yelled back, "No, Moshe isn't here but is that you, Achmed?" Achmed stood up and said "Yeah?" and the Israelis took out the machine guns and mowed down Achmed.

    Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

    The tourist
    A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
    ”Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
    The two Israelis just stare at him.
    “Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
    The two continue to stare.
    “Parlare Italiano?”
    No response.
    “Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
    Still nothing.
    The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
    “Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

    I`ll take the Brits, the Aussies, the Israelis and the rest, for when it comes to valor we have seen that they`re the best.

    A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the Poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?" Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis: "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?" To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

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