Infield Jokes

The greatest spectacle in sports, The Indy 500 (auto race) will be held next weekend. It is probably the single biggest party in the world (about 500,000 people attend). The race is almost secondary to the general debauchery that occurs. It seems like everyone shows up with a case of Budweiser and an attitude.
They allow spectators into the infield of the track, which is amazing since they can't see a single car the entire time. Those folks go just to party. There is one infamous area of the infield called the Snake Pit, where the motorcycle gangs hang out and cops don't even dare to go in alone.
Being from Indianapolis I have always gone to the race. Our family has the same seats in the stands every year, though I'm usually the only one who uses them. I've always taken my rowdy friends and had a good ole time.
This year, my wife has invited her parents to go with us. This will certainly put a big cramp in my race day style, so I created the following ripoff on Letterman's more...