Guaranteed Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"

    An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
    The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
    The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
    She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
    He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
    The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
    The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come more...

    Passed on by a friend at work, origin unknown (but probably caused by a quantum fluctuation)
    WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
    WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
    CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
    HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
    CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
    ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This more...

    WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
    HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
    CAUTION: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
    CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
    ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer more...

    An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
    The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
    The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
    She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
    He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
    The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
    The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, more...

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