Guaranteed Jokes

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.
The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.
Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.
The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to more...

What if Physicists wrote product disclaimers instead of lawyers?
______________

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "uncertainty principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process more...

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the farmhouse. The caller, a rather troubled looking, middle-aged man, asked to see her father.
"If you've come about the bull," she said, "he's fifty dollars. We have the papers and everything and he's guaranteed."
"Young lady," the man said, "I want to see your father."
"If that's too much," the little girl replied, "we got another bull for twenty-five dollars, and he's guaranteed, too, but he doesn't have any papers."
"Young lady," the man repeated, "I want to see your father!"
"If that's too much," said the little girl, "we got another bull for only ten dollars, but he's not guaranteed."
"I'm not here for a bull," said the man angrily. "I want to talk about your brother, Elmer. He's gotten my daughter in trouble!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said the little girl. "You'll have more...

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want... want less.

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just more...