Duck Jokes / Recent Jokes

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young more...

Okay, here are a few ethnic hunting jokes:
Two ethnics are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late
hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, ethnic #1
says to ethnic #2:
"Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did more...

There were three girls walking down an empty street. They stop in front of this beautiful house. They knock on the door and an old lady answers.
"May we come in?" They ask.
"Sure. But whatever you do, DON'T STEP ON A DUCK."
They think she was probably off her rocker but still step in and walk around.
The first girl see's this really handsome man standing just a couple of feet away from her. She runs up to him and WHAM! She steps on a duck and gets tied to the most gross looking man in the world.
Then the next girl walks in and sees another man and runs up to him and steps on a duck. WHAM! She gets tied to an even uglier man.
Now the third girl, seeing what the other girls get tied to, looked and saw a really handsome guy and looks around. Hmmm no duck. She runs up to him and she gets tied to him. Heaven at last.
"What happened to you?" She asks as she rests her head on his shoulder.
"I stepped on a duck."

A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting
he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled
over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had
happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck
belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They
continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the
farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick
me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up.
The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees
to the contest. more...

A duck walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,"no." So the next day the duck walks into yhe bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish and the bartender says,"No, I told you that yesterday." Then the next day the duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any fish.
The bartender jumps up and says,"no, I don't have any fish.One more time you ask me I'm gonna nail your flipper to the bar!" The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender if he has any nails.
The bartender looks at him surprisingly and says, "no." "Well,"asks the duck,"do you have any fish?"

Walking into a bar the circus owner noticed everyone gathered around a table to watch a show. Getting closer he saw a pot was turned upside down and a duck was tap dancing on it. Thinking what a great circus act this could be, he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some bartering back and forth, the owner of the duck said he would accept $5000 for the duck and would even throw the pot into the deal.
A few days later, the circus owner returned to the bar, furious with the duck's previous owner. "You ripped me off! Right in front of the whole audience I put the duck on the pot and he didn't dance at all, not one single step."
"That never happened to me. Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" asked the former owner.