Bloke Jokes / Recent Jokes
This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art." "Are you crazy?" says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"
This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The bloke behind tells him, "Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art."
"Are you crazy?"
says the bloke in front, "I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?"
Ugly bloke walks into the bar with a big grin on his face "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well I live by the railway and on my way home last night I saw a women tied to the tracks, I cut her free and we shagged all night.
"Did you get a blow job?" the barman asks.
"No" he says, "Never found the head."
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have a pint as well", says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink too."
The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a more...
A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a' roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his' roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice.
"Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my' roo bar. How can I get it out?"
A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."
So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."
"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.
"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"
A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?""Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave."Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pots. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pots and lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pots, please, mate!"
The barman serves up four pots and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pots. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
"Two potsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pots in front of him. Down they go....One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pot, mate." So the barman fills the glass.
The bloke sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny more...