Airplane Jokes / Recent Jokes

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his
belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage."When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert more...

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your
grandmother?" I asked."Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas.""How nice," I said. "Where does she live?""At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can't you do something?” she demanded angrily.“I'm sorry ma'am,” the reverend said gently, “I'm in sales, not management.”

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

What does a flight attendant have in common with an airplane?
They both have cockpits.

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. 'Al, what do you believe in?'
Al replies, 'Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die.'
God thinks for a second and says 'Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.'
God then addresses Bill Clinton. 'Bill, what do you believe in?'
Bill Clinton replies, 'Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain.' God thinks for a few second and says, 'Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.'
God then address Bill Gates. 'Bill Gates, what do you believe?'
Bill Gates said, 'I more...