"Guys blind dating-dictionary" joke

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you". However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English: dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses fine character:
She's ugly knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours spotless reputation:
She's ugly strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband wonderful personality:
She's fat great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself mature woman:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager casual:
She dresses like a slob decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty a great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under t