"Gentleman’S Letter Of Apology" joke

Dear Mr., Mrs., or Ms.,
Please forgive my behavior at the party last night. I know my actions were terrible, and I beg you to excuse me. Please check all that apply.
Mr. _______ regrets exceedingly his deplorable conduct while a guest at your party on _______ and begs forgiveness for the breach(es) of etiquette checked below.
__Spilling Drink
__Picking Nose at Table
__Scratching Nuts With Salad Fork
__Indiscriminate Spitting
__Complete Loss of Equilibrium
__Indiscriminate Goosing
__Inspecting Hosiery
__Belching
__Passing Out
__Failure to Zip Up Pants
__Hunting Female Navel
__Frequent and Prolonged Absence From Party
__Pissing in Sink
__Taking Off Pants
__Gut Rumbling
__Unfastening Bras on Various Ladies
__Loud Farting
__Biting Tits of Various Females
__Pissing in the punch bowl
__Fondling the breast of the hostess or guests
__Disappearing for extended periods of time with someone else’s wife.
__Scratching nuts with pickle fork
__Unrestrained farting
__Throwing up in the fish tank
__Using my dick to stir my drink
__Using my dick to stir someone else’s drink
__Exposing my private parts
__Exposing someone else’s private parts
__ALL OF THE ABOVE