"Fun Quotes" joke

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
First draw the curve, then plot the data.
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.
IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.
OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.