"Fast Turtle" joke
A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender asks the man: "What is wrong with your turtle?"
"Nothing", the man responds, "This turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, wanting to see this, calls his dog over (who was at the piano playing requests for tips). The bartender went to the other side of the bar and called his dog. Then suddenly the guy picked up his turtle and threw it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.
"Told you it'll be there before your dog."
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